Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
