If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
