This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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