you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
