There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
