Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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