just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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