i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Randomize
