Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
i've created a new STD.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
