Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
