Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
