Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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