I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I want her autograph on my taint
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
