Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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