how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
