my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize