At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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