dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
