I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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