He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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