I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Randomize
