YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
