1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
