1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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