Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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