I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
