the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
