It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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