who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
