So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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