K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize