so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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