Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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