if i died would you start the facebook group?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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