my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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