We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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