He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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