I wish my penis had an off switch
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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