she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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