Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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