mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
