He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
