i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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