My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
