That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Randomize
