I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just gift wrapped bread.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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