I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
