I met the friendliest cop last night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Randomize
