My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize