i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
