I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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