If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
