The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize