Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
