Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
This is classic penis vs brain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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