So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
