before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
