can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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