so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
