oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
