I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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